Sunday Bliss

Still feeling like a zero and a nobody, but it’s getting less important as the days goes by. Who gives a shit that I’m not a fantastic translator anyway? No one is good at everything. The truth is that I have this annoying need to be a genius at everything I do, but obviously I have to get over this. I’m a singer, not a translator. Yes, true, a singer who haven’t really done a gig for ten years, but there are very specific reasons why it’s become like that.

I want to do my own stuff on stage, and it takes time to write and find ones voice. Since I didn’t think I wanted to do music for a long time, I spent years doing other stuff. Studying literature was great, and I would gladly have spent another four years doing a Phd. Chose not to do it, or rather couldn’t think of a good project to write, so I forgot about it. (Another reason is that I didn’t want to educate myself to unemployment, but that’s another story). Also, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking I want to be involved in movies, although I know I would suck at it. The only thing I can think of doing is writing a script, but I have absolutely nothing to do on a film set. The years have gone by with me being totally confused as to what I’m supposed to do. Now it’s getting clearer to me: I need to sing and to write. Without that in my life, I’m miserable.

So where does the translations come in? Well, everyone needs to earn money, and working freelance is perfect for an “artist”. The backside to it is that you don’t really earn that much, and that it takes a lot of time. Also, it seems like I’m not really good at it.

Too bad. Right now, I’m doing research by telephone for a couple of weeks. It’s kind of demanding (trying to get people to speak to you when they don’t really have time to), and very badly paid. When I get back home in the evening, I’m dead beat. No writing and no singing is being done. My plan is to find a part time job which doesn’t pay to badly, and isn’t to demanding. I think it can be done. The difficult part will be not to be too ambitious when it comes to what I’m doing during the day, but save the ambition for the writing and the music. This is really hard for me. I love working, and I love a challenge. I’ll die if I have to be in a reception every day for instance.

As I have mentioned before, it all comes down to our priorities. I cannot both have a challenging job, and spend time on my writing as well. I know people who can, but I cannot right now. Also, the more I call myself a talentless moron, the less open I will be to inspiration, and the less I will want to do an effort to write every day. I won’t find time to write either, as I won’t know what the point is.

In Argentina I spent a couple of good writing weeks. I remember the feeling – how proud and content I was. I need to get back to that feeling. Today is Sunday, and I’m home alone. A good day to start getting back into it. I’m listening to Judee Sill, and just bought the new PJ Harvey album on i-Tunes. I also have “The Philadelphia Story” with Carey Grant waiting, and was thinking of making some delicious pasta with pesto for lunch. Being creative is not easy, but it’s worth the struggle. At least it’s worth it when you don’t see any other solution than to keep doing it. And the lesson learned: Keep focused. Do not spend all your energy trying to do something else perfectly. The music is the important thing, so to hell with the translating.

Have a splendid Sunday!

THERE’S A RUGGED ROAD
– Judee Sill –

There’s a rugged road on the prairie
Stretchin’ all across the last frontier
There a stranger strives solitary
Blessed is the lonesome pioneer
Roll on, roll on, roll on
Night birds are flyin’
Come on, the light is gone
Hope’s slowly dyin’
Tell me how you come ridin’ through
Still surveyin’ the miles yet to run
On the long and lonely road to kingdom come

He can blaze a trail, though the rumblin’
Dims his guiding light to just a spark
When the hour is low, he comes tumblin’
When the moon is high he gives his heart

Roll on, roll on, roll on
Night birds are flyin’
Come on, the light is gone
Hope’s slowly dyin’
Tell me how you come ridin’ through
Gainin’ steady till this round is won
On the long and lonely road to kingdom come

People far below chasin’ pleasures
Offer him directions on the run
Prophets on the path offer treasures
Though she’s mighty hungry he takes none

Roll on, roll on, roll on
Night birds are flyin’
Come on, the light is gone
Hope’s slowly dyin’
Tell me how you come ridin’ through
Blindly faithful but followin’ none
On the long & lonely road to kingdom come

When the sun goes down at the right time
She comes windin’ through the purple haze
Just a feather’s touch in the night time
But it’ll color all my weary days

Shinin’ finer than this earthly sun
On the ragged rugged road to kingdom come
On the ragged rugged road to kingdom come

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