I love being in New York. Lazy day at home drinking Oolong tea from my MoMA cup, watching Mad Men and Girls, listening to Rameau. Wish it would go on forever. Sadly I have to go home soon, back to work, back to that shitty Parisian summer. In the beginning of June it still feels like we’re in the middle of Autumn over there. You must think I’m insane. I know, it’s Paris. But when you live there it becomes so normal. It’s not all Louvre and the Latin Quarter. It’s taking the suburb train to go to work, having to deal with sour Frenchmen all day, a non existing music scene (if you don’t have a talent for classical music, which I have not – not to do it seriously anyway). Ok, when I think of it, that’s it really. Maybe I’m getting over my loathing for everything French. I should. I’ve been here for years. I want to begin to love it again, want it so much!
Things seem like they might be getting better. I got a raise, which makes my boring job easier to bear (at least for now). A pianist may (or may not) call me, and I’m trying to deal with that. I wonder what I’ll do if I suddenly stand there, on some stage, with my set list ready, and a pianist at my side. Will I love it? Or will I freak out? It’s been so long. It’s been more than 10 years. God, I feel old…. Well, if it happens I’ll just have to deal with it. I actually feel like doing some standard jazz now. Don’t know where THAT came from, but it’s something I know. Then I can make my guitar based folk tunes at home, and present them when I’m ready. I need someone to take a look at them though, I don’t know how good they are.
I also may be changing my job. I need to get away from my boss, he just keeps being this negative force in my life. Why deal with it? Why not just say FU and go do something else? I’d like to be self employed. I’d like to translate. I’ll be doing a course now in June, and may be offered a some freelance work for a Scandinavian company after that. Cross your fingers. It may be hard as shit to be self employed, but you gain freedom. Also, I don’t need that much money. (That’s what I say now. Again, you must think I’m crazy to quit my job after getting a raise, but I just can’t stand the guy).
So that’s it. New job (maybe). New pianist (maybe).
Also my parents are coming to Paris, which is great, but also kind of scary. They are always looking at me in this way, you know, to check me out, to be sure that I’m are happy or something. I think I just need to tell them that I don’t have any talent for happiness. That I just try to get by, and that that’s ok too. You know?