The bitter taste of "success" (just the wrong kind of success)

Yes, it’s still the same story. It has now been three months, three weeks and two days since I started my last job, and I do not have a life anymore. I have a cool job, it’s true, but I am working my ass off. As if that’s not enough my boss now want’s to hire me. What do I say to that? Yes Sir, I surrender my life, my body and my soul to you. I swear to stay with you from this day forward till I die of office related diseases and depression?

It doesn’t sound like a problem, but it is. What is my reason to stay? Money? Don’t need that much. I have now filled up all my savings accounts. The client I’m responsible for? They won’t care. The flattering speech my boss gave me before Christmas? (“I’d like all my employees to be like you” and bla bla bla).

I don’t need him to tell me I do a good job, I always do. That’s how I was brought up. I feel shame if I don’t do my best. I’m one of those annoying people who just cannot stop giving a shit. Yep, that’s me.

I’m lying if I’m saying that there aren’t days when I like to be in the office, but I have to tell you: I sleep, eat, go to the toilet and work. That is all I do. It is not life. I feel like I’m selling my life and my time to cheaply. They pay me ok, but not well.

I know I have to leave, but I don’t have the guts to tell them yet. One of my colleagues just quit, and they were so freaked by it the offered me a permanent position. Well, I won’t take it. I just can’t.

Feel like you’ve heard this before? Yep, I’m back where I started. Back where I was in the beginning of 2010. But I quit my job then, and I can do it again. I strongly believe that I should be a freelance something. Translator. Project manager. Something.

Most importantly: I have not written a word. I have not sung a tune. I have not done anything artistic since late September except working. I am exhausted.

It should be easy to just leave, but it’s not. Everyone says the same thing: Don’t quit your day job.

How do one find the balance between being realistic and being brave?

I’m not afraid of working hard. I can make it on my own. I can. Yes I can.